"Let us squash the wiggle worm when you feel the urge to squirm"
When I was a kid, I had some of these thoughts:
1. I was quite afraid of growing up and forgetting what it was like to be a kid, curious and amazed at the world around me.
2. I desperately determined to use life to its fullest
3. I was afraid of missing things: things ranging from some activity with people, a good desert, an opportunity to swim, or something funny.
4. I wanted to succeed, do something great, and impact the world.
I was and have been a very active, hard working and determined person. In high school and college I did great in school while keeping up a full range of outside activities. One spring in high school, I played soccer, ran track, sang in the musical, and kept up my GPA. I’m pretty sure I had ridiculous amounts of energy and I never seemed tired (my family of course did see the tired, “crabby abby” and tried to make me do less). I know this because I remember people commenting on it a lot. It didn’t seem extreme to me, though. I just wanted to do something all the time. What’s so weird about that? In college, roommates and friends began to complain (it seemed after a while) that I couldn’t or wouldn’t ever sit still. It was true. I never sat through a whole movie. I never walked through my dorm. I ran to the other wings and floors. Reflecting now, I’m sure it did annoy them, though at the time, I secretly thought they were just being sluggish. But I was having a good time, and I basically did what a wanted, because it was college. I loved doing more than one thing at a time, and I loved learning new ways to be efficient.
But in the back ground, there was something in that that was not so positive. I was also very afraid of wasting time, and that controlled much of my thought life and many of my decisions. I measured good days by how much I accomplished. An unproductive day was tragic and stressful.
It wasn’t until about last year that I finally began to look at the way I value my time, and value things in general. How did I relax? Could I ever just be still? And what were the virtues in that? What could other, better indicators of success be in my life?
I slowly began to learn how to take time to be still and accept unstructured time. I still struggle with it, of course, and I still do have a lot on my plate. Just yesterday I had to fight the inner crazies, particularly in the form of getting math homework done on a Saturday night. So, relaxing time is not common and really can’t be right now. But I don’t get angry with myself if I take some time to not do anything that I can label as activity “x”. (that is, I’m getting better at it at least.)
But with these shifts, my ideas of what is valuable has also changed. I still want the things listed above. I haven’t changed my mind. Instead, I see different ways to accomplish them. By stopping and taking time to rest, reflect, and talk with people I really care about or “do nothing” I can appreciate more around me. I’m still amazed by the world, too. (People tease me about that, too…like when I unknowingly have a running dialogue with myself in the morning on the way to a tournament. It shows I'm doing well.)
Sometimes living life to the fullest is running around doing tons of things, or sometimes it means waiting in line and feeling time stick all over you like molasses. Or stopping outside and talking to the neighbor next door. In other words, I want to be in the present. And since I can’t be in more than one place at a time that means that I’m going to miss things. Yep. I am. So, I might as well get used to it, start making decisions, and being happy where I am.
Oh yeah, and I want to do things that matter, too. But doing things well, being engaged, wherever it happens to be…that matters.
1. I was quite afraid of growing up and forgetting what it was like to be a kid, curious and amazed at the world around me.
2. I desperately determined to use life to its fullest
3. I was afraid of missing things: things ranging from some activity with people, a good desert, an opportunity to swim, or something funny.
4. I wanted to succeed, do something great, and impact the world.
I was and have been a very active, hard working and determined person. In high school and college I did great in school while keeping up a full range of outside activities. One spring in high school, I played soccer, ran track, sang in the musical, and kept up my GPA. I’m pretty sure I had ridiculous amounts of energy and I never seemed tired (my family of course did see the tired, “crabby abby” and tried to make me do less). I know this because I remember people commenting on it a lot. It didn’t seem extreme to me, though. I just wanted to do something all the time. What’s so weird about that? In college, roommates and friends began to complain (it seemed after a while) that I couldn’t or wouldn’t ever sit still. It was true. I never sat through a whole movie. I never walked through my dorm. I ran to the other wings and floors. Reflecting now, I’m sure it did annoy them, though at the time, I secretly thought they were just being sluggish. But I was having a good time, and I basically did what a wanted, because it was college. I loved doing more than one thing at a time, and I loved learning new ways to be efficient.
But in the back ground, there was something in that that was not so positive. I was also very afraid of wasting time, and that controlled much of my thought life and many of my decisions. I measured good days by how much I accomplished. An unproductive day was tragic and stressful.
It wasn’t until about last year that I finally began to look at the way I value my time, and value things in general. How did I relax? Could I ever just be still? And what were the virtues in that? What could other, better indicators of success be in my life?
I slowly began to learn how to take time to be still and accept unstructured time. I still struggle with it, of course, and I still do have a lot on my plate. Just yesterday I had to fight the inner crazies, particularly in the form of getting math homework done on a Saturday night. So, relaxing time is not common and really can’t be right now. But I don’t get angry with myself if I take some time to not do anything that I can label as activity “x”. (that is, I’m getting better at it at least.)
But with these shifts, my ideas of what is valuable has also changed. I still want the things listed above. I haven’t changed my mind. Instead, I see different ways to accomplish them. By stopping and taking time to rest, reflect, and talk with people I really care about or “do nothing” I can appreciate more around me. I’m still amazed by the world, too. (People tease me about that, too…like when I unknowingly have a running dialogue with myself in the morning on the way to a tournament. It shows I'm doing well.)
Sometimes living life to the fullest is running around doing tons of things, or sometimes it means waiting in line and feeling time stick all over you like molasses. Or stopping outside and talking to the neighbor next door. In other words, I want to be in the present. And since I can’t be in more than one place at a time that means that I’m going to miss things. Yep. I am. So, I might as well get used to it, start making decisions, and being happy where I am.
Oh yeah, and I want to do things that matter, too. But doing things well, being engaged, wherever it happens to be…that matters.
posted by Eden B. at
8:16 AM
2 Comments
